Reflections of My Brokenness
I am an avid coffee drinker, I mean I love coffee,
dark roast, medium roast, espresso, I’m all in! I have a wide variety of coffee
mugs, as I tend to pick them up from special events or birthdays etc. But, in
the last few weeks, I have broken two of my favorite mugs. They both had sentimental
value to me for different reasons. On one mug, I only broke the handle, so I
put it on my dresser with the broken handle inside the cup. The second mug, I dropped,
and it didn’t break but then while picking it up, I dropped it again and it
shattered and broke in half. The third mug is a whole mug but a dry mug. I want
to talk today in this blog about the different types of brokenness and how God can
and will use them all for His glory.
I attended the Shine Conference 2019 in Katy, Texas
this past weekend and it has got me reflecting on my brokenness and how God has
made me whole. In June of 2012, I traveled around the country on a road trip
for a few months by myself. I was broken but the broken handle was inside my
cup. It was on this journey that God began to shape me and mold me and make me
over. I had very low self-esteem and I was riddled with fear. I went from one
poor relationship to the next and thought that this is what defined me. I was
so fearful that anyone could ever love me, that I let anyone into my circle. Through
the process of getting out of church for several years and now at this point
finding my way back to God, I wrote a book about finding my way back to God. It
is called “Unfolding the Rose.” I was broken on the inside and I carried around
the pieces for years. Yet, through the process of coming back to the Lord, I
found a love I never thought existed. I found the true love of the Lord. In my
brokenness, I found the only love that truly matters. Often God allows us to be
broken so that we can find ourselves in Him. When we come to the end of our road and that
is where, He meets us. Then for the first time we can look in the mirror an see
our reflection and begin to see His reflection in us.
The real brokenness happened after my book was
published. I thought, I was restored, and I was to a certain extent. But there was
more brokenness to come. I was the shattered cup that was beyond repair, or so I thought. Just as the silversmith must put the silver in the fire
to allow the impurities to rise to the top, he then scrapes it off and puts it
back in the fire. It is in this fire that the silver is made pure. God allows
the fire to remove the things of this world that still have a hold on us. If we
have lingering sin in our lives, He will allow us to be sifted, just as Peter
was sifted to break us, mold us, and finally to transform us into beautiful pure
silver or gold. Here in this new brokenness I was shattered, and I thought
beyond repair, but God had a different plan. No, my life was not ending but it
was truly just beginning.
I found myself in a pyramid of lies, sin, and deceit.
Have you ever been so deceived, that you literally didn’t see it coming, and
you had no idea how you got there? That was me too! Here I was doing a work for
the Lord. I was praying, fasting, reading my bible, teaching bible studies, and
praying people through to the Holy Ghost and yet here I was caught up
in a shattered mess. God moved in a mighty way and truly delivered me from the
hand of the enemy. I cried out to God and begged Him to save me from the mess I
was in, and you know what He did just that! He is always close to the
brokenhearted and He will never leave us or forsake us! He will meet you too in
your shattered mess.
A path to wholeness…
I am happy to say that through my two broken
coffee cups of brokenness, that God gave me a whole new cup. He took both of my
broken cups and He weaved them together with pure gold. The Chinese culture
believes in taking broken vessels and piecing them back together with gold. God
did this with my brokenness. He took both cups and said, “Behold, in you will I
make a new thing.” He began five years ago to shape me and mold me into the
most beautiful cup for His glory. He has had me on a path to understanding that
He truly is in control. He led me to a couple who saw worth in me, and who didn’t
look at me for my brokenness, but saw me as a vessel of honor. God will put the
right people in your life at the right time. You just have to be a willing vessel.
I cried out in despair and God spoke as ever I
have heard Him speak, “Go to the _________”. I listened to the Lord and in my
obedience, He put me on a new path. He led me to a path of servanthood. He led
me to a path of self-reflection and evaluation. He took me to a new level of
understanding in the Spirit. And the best thing He has done is that He has
allowed me to help affect change in the lives of so many people. God moved me from the city I was in and moved me to Dallas. Here I decided to change many of my ways to the better:
1) I was going to be faithful
2) I was going to be a servant
3) I was going to o whatever was asked of me
4) I was going to listen to the advice of others
(even if I didn’t get it) to be willing to hear and have a teachable spirit.
5) I was
going to be a vessel of honor for His glory.
I tend to be a little hard-headed and head strong,
but I have truly committed my life to these principles. Sometimes God will take
us back to step one (a servant) and let us repeat the steps if we try and step
past the hard parts in life. We cannot skip steps! God will always make us
repeat them. If that is one word of wisdom, that I could impart in this whole
blog, would be “don’t skip the steps.” Who I am now is hardly recognizable to,
who I was 7 years ago, when I got back in church. I was broken then, and then
broken again, but now He has made me whole.
It is my hope to encourage you that if you feel broken
beyond repair, God will make you better than repairable, He will make you over
with gold. He can use any willing vessel. He is looking for those who are available.
He isn’t looking for perfection because He is already perfect. He knew all your
failures and He knows all your future failures, but He has still called you to
greatness. It doesn’t matter how far you have fallen or where you come from, if
you are willing and available, God can do a work in you! If God has placed a
calling on your life or given you promises, dreams or visions, these cannot fade
away. Only you can make them not come to pass, only you can hinder the work of
God in your life. Only you can say no, to being made whole.
My pastor preached a message a few years back
that changed my life, “Standing between the Dream and the Promise.” Meaning
sometimes we are standing in His promises, but we think we are dreaming, or we don’t
realize that God is fulfilling His promises in us. It was after this message, I
realized that God was fulfilling His word in me. No, it didn’t look like what I
thought, and it wasn’t how I had imagined my life, but it was according to His
plan in me. Here I was leading worship, the Youth Leader, teaching Sunday
School, teaching Bible studies, in church leadership and I stopped and looked
at my reflection and I was stunned! Somehow so many of the things God had
promised me as a little girl had come to pass, but it didn’t happen like I
thought it would, so I was blinded in my dream, yearning for something that was already happening. God truly was fulfilling His
promises all around me. They happened gradually and over time, but they were
being fulfilled in me. So, take a moment and look at yourself and see that God
is doing more than what you might initially think.
Currently, I am in a different type of brokenness.
It is the brokenness where God breaks you. The first two broken cups came from
my own self. This cup I am in now is a dry cup without any coffee. The vessel
is whole, but it is dry. It is a valley of brokenness in a desert. I truly feel
that in this God has been perfecting me. I have been unemployed for over a
year. I have had to depend wholly on God and His wonderful saints of God. I
have been on several interviews, worked with more recruiters than you can
imagine, yet here I am still without a job. I have sold furniture, electronics,
started a Keto Bakery, made dinners, and have truly depended on the love of
those around me. Yet, God has truly kept me in this valley. It is a testimony
as to His hand on my life.
When God has His hand in it, He doesn’t let you
drop or fall or break but rather he keeps you in that place. I don’t understand
why it has taken so long but Joshua had to walk around the wall seven times. Naaman
had to dip in the water seven times. The little woman with the judge had to
keep petitioning the judge until He said, “give her what she wants so she will go
away.” I don’t know how I have made it this long, BUT God! He truly never leaves
us or forsakes us. In this brokenness, God has been teaching me that He is my husband,
He is my provider, He is in control, He wants my pride, He wants my arrogance,
He wants my obedience, He wants me just where He has me. God wants to take you
and me to the next level. He wants to be master of our lives. He wants to get
the glory for all that is done. He wants complete obedience, so that He can use
us more greatly than ever before! I know I am just one prayer away from my
miracle. Whether it be today’s prayer or tomorrow’s prayer, each prayer is one
prayer closer to His answer for my life.
We must be willing to go through the test to get
the testimony! Sometimes God will let us walk through a valley because we are stronger,
and He can trust us with that valley. He will use it to help someone else! The
test might not even really be for us, but if we can walk through it, we can be
a testimony of what God in our life. If He can do it for me and you, He can do
it for anyone, and that is the testimony. Will you trust Him in your
brokenness? Will you let Him make you over for His Glory? Will you be made
whole and then still must wait on God? You choose….
If this blog has touched you feel free to share
it. If you would like to order my book "Unfolding the Rose" it is available on Amazon or you can
order it from me directly. I also have an upcoming book that I am working on
and will be updating more on that later. If you have a prayer request or would
like to message me for anything feel free to find me on facebook. I pray that
this blog has helped you and that God will lead you to all that He has for you.
Don’t be weary in well doing and you will reap if you faint not.
God Bless!
Linda
